Thursday, 6 November 2008

Stand-Up Material/ Musings

On the train a couple of days ago, I overheard two people in their mid-30s discussing the difference and relative merits between Crispy Creme and Dunkin’ Doughnuts. No conclusions were reached.

I also saw a 9-year old girl with a dog. She was eating a bag of hula hoops, and then her dog wanted to lick her salty hand.

I went to the beach recently and spent time on the ‘amusements’. For the first time, I really understood why they were called amusements. That’s exactly what they are, their basically one step up from being ‘distractions’.

In the past, fashion was something that was exclusive to the privelaged minority – noblemen and people like that. those who wear Nike trainers today, would have been wearing potato sacks 500 years ago. Pesants – we used to call them. Come on people, don’t be fooled by the PC brigade. Call them what they are! Peasants.

I like this new wave of derogatory guidebooks – “healthy eating for idiots” and what have you. Then there’s, “windows vista for shit heads”. “getting published for arseholes”, “oil painting for cunts”

the french are the only people who eat snails. There’s a reason why that never caught on in other countries. And it’s the same reason that haggis never went any further than scotland. It’s gross.
Who even thought of eating a snail in the first place? What sick mind? I’ll say this – the first guy who a snail, probably ate a slug as well.

Che Guevara was a pretty handsome guy. Do you reckon that picture would have been so iconic if he had buck teeth and a big nose?

Use the word obfuscate when you want to obfuscate someone

no matter how many times I hear it, I remain unconvinced my the name Roald Dahl. “Roald” isn’t a real name, and “Dahl” is a lentil-based curry

I was at Coop recently and I picked up some homous. The tub said that it was “the cooperative homous”. Somehow that put me in a good mood

Cyan – a real colour or just invented for compuers?

no-one talks about judo any more

same with wellington boots

they make double gloucester cheese, but single might be ok

shiitake mushrooms (always looks like shit cake)

after spending half an hour watching game shows, I feel a little bit stupider. After half an hour of masturbation, I feel about the same. I think there is a lesson in that

All men are potential rapists. I guess that’s true, but all men are also potential magicians.

illegalise pop songs where the singer asks if the mics are loud enough during the intro

rape fields are deceptively safe

no more posters with Einstein sticking his tongue out. It’s not that funny

You know what I don’t care about? Caramel. It truly doesn’t matter to me. If they eliminated caramel from the world, I don’t think I would mind. Chocolate, I would miss. Even toffee, perhaps the occasional moment. But caramel… pfft… I can live without

Same with treacle

No comments: